It was a very tough year

The year 2005 was the most challenging of my adult life.

In March we moved into a larger home to accommodate our growing family. In July we welcomed our third child, and two short weeks later I started a new job that would put me on the path I continue to walk today.

About a week into that job my boss told me I was being arrogant, which really pissed me off. I went home and fumed.

The next day we talked about it in what was one of the most crucial conversations of my life. It was as pure a moment of self-awareness as I can recall. The onion was finally getting peeled.

I wasn’t being arrogant because I was a jerk (at least I don’t think so) but because it was my default mechanism for expressing anxiety, fear and a growing sense of fraudulence. I was anxious about being the sole provider for my family, afraid I had taken on too much, and certain that I would be found out as a fraud who wasn’t up for the job as soon as someone decided to look just a little bit closer!

In the course of a few short months I had experienced three of life’s most stressful events. Fear, anxiety and insecurity make a lot of sense in those circumstances. But I just thought I was supposed to handle it; that I was supposed to summon my good friend “competence” and fake it ’til I made it.

It didn’t work and I got called out. Which meant, because I couldn’t “unsee” what was going on, that I could begin to learn better ways to navigate the stress of transition and the real difficulties of change.

Since life’s changes, big and small, keep rolling in with the tide, the lessons learned in 2005 continue to pay dividends. And I have no doubt that will continue to be the case.

I know in a very personal way how challenging it is to see things accurately, to understand oneself clearly and honestly, in the midst of so much change. And so to prescribe that kind of self-awareness – as if you can just a flip a switch –  isn’t helpful.

What I can suggest is that you familiarize yourself with the life events that are most responsible for spikes in stress. You might also do a sort of preemptory “life audit,” a review of your behavior under stress in the past so that you know what to look for. Finally, and most importantly, is to cultivate relationships of kind candor, the ones where people will see through your efforts at “competence” and remind you that you don’t have to go it alone.

 


DAVID BERRY is the author of “A More Daring Life: Finding Voice at the Crossroads of Change” and the founder of RULE13 Learning. He speaks and writes about the complexity of leading in a changing world. Connect with him on Twitter at @berrydavid.

 

 

The First

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Wednesday was Manvinder’s first day driving for Lyft and I was his first customer.

When he picked me up he quickly let me know I was his first customer by motioning to his phone which I soon learned meant that he was in active conversation with a friend who was guiding him through how to handle his first assignment!

What became clear right away was that Manvinder did not know how to use the Lyft app to transition from “picking up the ride” to “getting the ride to his destination.” It kept telling him to go back to the hotel to get me. And I was already there.

As he continued to struggle and his colleague continued to “help,” I chimed in that I could direct him there myself. He remained intent on following the instruction provided by the app which meant that he kept trying to return to the hotel.

At this point it was clear that Manvinder was stressed! He had an app giving him bad information, a friend in his ear and a passenger in his car…who wouldn’t be?

So I attempted to break through the noise and said, “I can get you there…just turn right.” And he did. But I underestimated my opponent: a human passenger who knows where to go is a poor substitute for a device that does not.

Slowly, so slowly it seemed, I made progress: “left here…yes…stay in the middle lane…no, the MIDDLE lane.”

Which is when it hit me that if the app wasn’t working Manvinder wasn’t going to get paid. And I was not – the first, first passenger he would ever have – going to have that on my conscience.

So I said, “Please hand me your phone.” Which he did, right away. A few clicks and swipes later I got the app to the “Confirm David Pick-up” button which led to the “Begin David Trip” button. And just like that we were official.

It was a random and energizing way to start the day. Except that wasn’t all of it. What then struck me was that Manvinder was driving me, his first customer, to meet with my first client. In March of 2013 a former colleague recommended me to the leader I was on my way to meet. We began a relationship that has led to a very meaningful project with his team as well as additional, rewarding work in his organization.

It is a gift to be reminded of someone helping me to get started. It is a gift to have played that part for someone else.

And, having arrived safely at my destination, Manvinder and I celebrated the moment in the best way we know how: with a selfie.


DAVID BERRY is the author of “A More Daring Life: Finding Voice at the Crossroads of Change” and the founder of RULE13 Learning. He speaks and writes about the complexity of leading in a changing world.