The Getaway Car

I meet my friend Jeff Gibbons once a month for breakfast. Today’s encounter got off to a funny start.

As I turned left on the street of our regular spot, I noticed plenty of parking on both the left and right sides of the street. Knowing that I would be headed back the way I came, I passed up the spots on the right, flipped a u-turn and took one of the spots on the other side of the street, making sure I was headed in the direction I would be going next.

Since I was early, I sat in the car for a few minutes to finish up a radio interview. And then in my side view mirror I noticed Jeff’s car approaching on the same side of the street I was on. I assumed he would pull in to the open spot behind me.

And just as I was sure he was about to do so, he flipped a u-turn and took a spot on the other side of the street, headed back from where he had come. Like me, he had planned his exit strategy.

I emerged from my car laughing, approaching Jeff and saying, “Apparently there’s a masculine need to make sure we have a getaway!” and explained to him that I had done the same thing just 10 minutes earlier.

We shared a knowing laugh and then proceeded to talk it over. I am grateful to say that when Jeff and I meet we don’t spend a lot of time on the surface. We get into stuff that we don’t talk about in many, if any, other places. It is an open, honest, thoughtful and candid discussion of manhood, fatherhood, marriage, faith, politics and anything else we might throw in.

We talked about the fact that men are always looking for a way out, regardless of the threat level. We have inherited the bias for action and reaction and, as such, equip ourselves for a ready response. This is painting with a broad brush, I know, but seeing the two of us act this way in quick succession made me think that it might not just be me, or Jeff, but that maybe lots of us operate in this mode.

We men need other men in our lives. The science backs up the health benefits of long-term male friendship and it doesn’t hurt to have the occasional reminder that we’re not the only one dealing with, working on, trying to get better at…whatever it is.

I appreciate male friendships that provide the space for intimate and vulnerable conversations. I also recognize that it can be tough for us to stay in those conversations for too long. We dive below the surface for a little while and then bob back up to the surface for some fresh air and a check of the weather, often literally. We use that moment to pinpoint the location of our car, confirming that it it’s still pointed in the right direction.

Just in case.


DAVID BERRY is the author of “A More Daring Life: Finding Voice at the Crossroads of Change” and the founder of RULE13 Learning. He speaks and writes about the complexity of leading in a changing world. Connect with him on Twitter at @berrydavid.

A Week of Thanks: Day 6

I am thankful for friendship.

I have more than my fair share.

I tell people all the time that we are lucky in life to have just a few “closest” friends – the kind you can count on one hand – but I humbly realize that I have more than that, two hands full at least.

They are diverse and extraordinary. Some from childhood, some more recently formed. I’ve learned that true friendship is determined by the ability to have a real conversation with another person, and then to be able to see that person again within a few days or weeks and only feel more affection and appreciation. And then to add another real conversation, the quality of which becomes another band in the strengthening fibers of connection.

Great friendship is also light and fun, of course, but the best ones always circle back to meaning. Lightness and fun serve as vehicles to get back to what matters most. True friendship helps me live in that meaningful space in a way that is both sincere and playful, strong and vulnerable.

A couple of recent friendship highlights: three of us meet once a month by video conference. We take about 30 minutes each to share the highs and lows of personal and professional life and then provide some form of coaching and advising to support that person in thinking through their current circumstances. It is deeply trustworthy and encouraging and I am fortunate to benefit from their open hearts and wise counsel.

Another friend has recently invited a small group of men to a “Pints & Podcasts” meeting which he describes as “…a book club with a shorter time investment. And beer.” He appreciates, as I do, that strong male relationships are essential to our well-being and is looking for a way to satisfy that need. I am grateful for his initiative and looking forward to getting started.

As a longtime married person with children still at home, friendship is a tricky thing. It is easy to take a pass, to disconnect, to focus only on who is “here and now.” Sometimes it is a legitimate question of bandwidth, sometimes it is the lazy preference to stay close to home. As grateful as I am to be able to call my spouse my dearest of all friends, I recognize that it is only within the friendships of those outside my immediate circle that I stretch out far enough to be able to come back to the center with the equanimity and  perspective that benefits my family.

To my friends who continue to invite me into deeper and more challenging exploration I offer my deepest thanks.

I will strive to offer the same to you.

I am thankful for friendship.


DAVID BERRY is the author of “A More Daring Life: Finding Voice at the Crossroads of Change” and the founder of RULE13 Learning. He speaks and writes about the complexity of leading in a changing world. Connect with him on Twitter at @berrydavid.

One Beam of Light

I think it’s extraordinary that even the smallest light can illuminate the darkest space. Consider that for a moment: no matter how dark it is, if you have one ray, one beam of light, you can see. And once you can see, you can act. And once you can act you are steps away from being out of the confines of darkness and into the freedom of light.

What is your one beam of light?

Is it a friendship, a poem, a word?

Is it a quote, your marriage, a lifelong friend?

Is it a story of redemption, a moment of truth, an episode of daring?

Is it a work of art, a song, a chance encounter?

Is it your child, a value, a strength?

Is it your work? Is it your faith?

One beam of light transforms the darkness. Every time.


DAVID BERRY is the author of “A More Daring Life: Finding Voice at the Crossroads of Change” and the founder of RULE13 Learning. He speaks and writes about the complexity of leading in a changing world. Connect with him on Twitter at @berrydavid.

12 Words

We celebrated a life today. It was a remembrance worthy of the life she lived. It was whole, real, fully formed and fully experienced. It was gut wrenching.

A father was humble. Sons were true. Sisters were emphatic. A niece was clear, and brave: “I was better when I was with her.”

When we honor the dead it is easy to forget that they needed us as much as we needed them. I know that she would be first in line to proclaim that as true.

I couldn’t stop thinking about these five statements, these twelve words.

I love you. “You saw me, heard me and understood me. You made me something I didn’t know I could be. My heart is broken and it will keep on breaking. And I will go on.”

Please forgive me. “I hurt you. I could have done more. I’m sorry.”

I forgive you. “You were human. You did your best. And you were human.”

Thank you. “You changed everything for me. You made a difference. You mattered. You always will.”

Goodbye. “I will never forget you. Impossible. Never.”

{For Paul}


DAVID BERRY is the author of “A More Daring Life: Finding Voice at the Crossroads of Change” and the founder of RULE13 Learning. He speaks and writes about the complexity of leading in a changing world. Connect with him on Twitter at @berrydavid.

The Importance of Local

When I focus too much of my attention on global, national and even regional issues I am left feeling negative, overwhelmed and sometimes even heartbroken.

When I focus more of attention on my local community, especially those sub-communities of which I am a part – family, church, workplace, client organizations – I feel challenged, energized, connected and yes, sometimes heartbroken.

I consider it my responsibility to be an informed global, national and regional citizen. I consider it a privilege to be a participant within the vibrant context just beyond my front door.

The difference is intimacy, physical connection and the natural give and take of creating and sustaining viable communities. We can and must continue to pay attention to the big picture but nothing changes, nothing at all, until we practice locally.

At a recent dinner with friends we followed the routine pattern of loose and light introductory conversation. And then, with the comfort of a good meal and the support of our earned trust, we found another level.  We explored race and gender and education. We did so inexpertly and we solved nothing, changed no minds, won no victories. What we did accomplish, at least as I see it, was to remind ourselves that we share the same concerns, that we need a place to express them, and that it is a powerful gift to provide and receive that from one another.

In that spirit, here’s an organization you should know about: The People’s Supper. They have models and tools to help us come together around the table to connect more openly, to listen and to learn.

Their focus is local, the only place we can start to change.


DAVID BERRY is the author of “A More Daring Life: Finding Voice at the Crossroads of Change” and the founder of RULE13 Learning. He speaks and writes about the complexity of leading in a changing world.